standing up for myself

yes I felt good tonight standing up for myself and going there and saying this is my home and i want my key and i am going to stay in one of the rooms with my son .... and if that drugy does not like me being there he can take his shit and leave because no one is going to keep me away from my home...I am not afaid no more.. I have no fear today from people like that... I stood right up to them at there level and act no better and not less them and got my way ... and the one guy in my house really was pisted off that he didnt get his way... what do I have to lose anyway ... Im going to die anyway.. when I dont know....I rather not know..I stoped going to the doctors and i feel it was only making me sicker thinking about it like i am now.When the doctor shared with me only frighten me.. So I rather live and have run and Love.I stop thinking of pain... but still feel it and the numbness .I feel my heart at times shutting off at night and i have to take a breath of air like a hipcup and it feels like a pinch in my chest...I hate doctors....

Went to my home where my ex is renting it out as bed rooms rentals.

Went to my home where my ex is renting it out as bed rooms rentals.


and its a five bed room home and only one guy renting in the house. He did not like the idea that I came bye the house asking for the key for the house that was my sons when he was there. My son just moved out ..

well this guy pays 500. hundred for a 3000.sq foot home and does not work. so you tell me whats really going on... well he called my ex and told him that i was there and told him i wanted a key so we went down to Lowe's after a long time of stalling and bugging him ... he also call someone on his phone and the showed up at Lowes they tried running me over with there truck ..they stop suddenly in front of me.. I just didn't care... they look like tweakers and with so skanky looking and with some chic with her right upper arm tattoo with long brown hair and lite eyes hanging on to some toot less schuffy hair guy.. and the driver in the tan bronze pick up truck had sleave tattoos and lite brown hair... his finger prints are on my phone since he was talking to my friend.

I dont trust them ... I dont know who they are but they dont belong in my house.

I dont care what they are doing but they can do it else where.....

its my home.... and I can get renters in the home...

if this is what john is accepting and doing its really scewed up... so you know that someone does not rent a home out for 500 dollars... a 3000.sq foot home...I have a right to it also...

the guy had nerve to tell me he was going to collect rent from me...lol... im intittle to half his rent..and where john is livving he owes me rent...

all I ever here is he wants me to drop the charges and he will help me out because i have nothing... no money and im stuck with no help from no one... he just doing this for me to come back to him and that is why im keeping my order to protec my son and i to keep him away from us...

Im finally happy today with friends and a new relationship, its only dating but the person is very caring and really manly and sweet and rough at the same time... never had that with john he would never be there for me to protec me at all he was a very selfish man...

this guy seems to be very caring but tuff.

Will be going away for the weekend with a large group of friends with him and i know im going to have the time of my life... He new I wanted to go so he change all his plans so he can take me,,,

thought that was sweet..All my girlfriends will be there...

Well this is all for now... I wish my ex just lets me move on with my life and just lets me go...

and understand we can still be friends but he has to get sober and not do drugs cause i dont want to be arounf that crap....

HOLDING ON TO BABY GIRL

HANGING ON TIGHT,
WITH YOUR ARMS WRAP TIGHT.
GOING THREW THE CURVES
AND THE FEELING OF HIM GRABBING ON
AND FEELING AND SQUEEZING YOUR LEFT LEG
MAKING SURE HIS BABY GIRL IS HOLDING ON!

JUST SIGN MY PAPERS AND LET ME GO FREE...!

BEING OUT THERE AND RIDING NOW IS A GREAT FEELING.

GLAD TO BE BACK ON THE BIKE ONCE AGAIN AMONG FRIENDS,
SEEN SOME OLD FRIENDS AND MADE SOME NEW ONES.
IT FEELS SO GOOD BEING ME AGAIN AND NOT LOCKED UP LIKE THE MONSTER WANTED ME.
THE MONSTER INSIST THAT NO ONE BUT HIM WILL EVEN HAVE ME .
BUT HE IS SO WRONG ABOUT THAT.
HE TRIED BEATING ME DOWN TO NOTHING BUT THE WOMAN I WAS IS COMING BACK. EVEN HARDER AND STRONGER AND A BETTER PERSON.
I HAVE BEEN DRINKING ON SOME OCCASIONS AND I KNOW THAT MY BODY CANNOT HANDEL IT, ESPECIALLY THE VODKA I LIKE TO DRINK.
I DRANK SO MUCH THAT THE LAST PLACE I WAS AT THE BOUNCERS HAD TO LIFT ME UP ON TO THE BACK OF THE HARLEY SO WE CAN GET HOME...
I REMEMBER TELLING HIM I COULDN'T TASTE THE VODKA AND SITTING AND WHEN IT WAS TIME TO GO MY LEGS WOULD NOT MOVE ..
I WONT SAY WHO I WAS WITH, BUT WE HAD A GREAT TIME TOGETHER.
 HE TOOK GOOD CARE OF ME FOR THE REST OF THE NITE,
I HAVEN'T HAD FUN LIKE THAT IN A LONG TIME AND IT WENT ON TO THE NEXT DAY....I'M SO GLAD HE IS MY FRIEND AND I HAD A LOT OF FUN.
MY LAST FRIEND I HUNG OUT WITH WAS LOTS OF FUN BUT IT WAS TOO MUCH ABOUT HIMSELF AND IT KINDA GOT OLD TO ME REALLY FAST..
I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT WHEN A MAN THINKS HE KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE THINKING.
IT REALLY REMINDS ME OF WHAT JOHN USED TO DO TO ME SO I JUST FLED THAT SCENE.
YOU JUST DON'T TELL ME WHAT I'M FEELING AND THINK YOU KNOW ME..
I KNOW I CHANGE SINCE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, ESPECIALLY SINCE MY OWN MOTHER BETRAYED ME.
I'M NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS,I USED TO HAVE A WALL UP BUT THIS TIME ITS DIFFERENT TODAY.
I DON'T KNOW IF ITS TRUST ISSUES OR WHAT..IS IT SOMETHING BURNING INSIDE OF ME..
OR IS THIS THE REAL ME JUST COMING OUT.
WITH ALL IVE BEEN THREW I FEEL I HAVE A STEAL DOOR IN MY WAY AT ALL TIMES AND I HAVE TO WATCH WHEN IT OPENS TO SEE WHATS COMING AT ME NEXT.
I GUESS ITS LIKE INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR THE LOIN TO COME AND EAT YOU .
I'M ALREADY LOOKING IN AND READY FOR THE LOIN TO CLOSE HIS MOUTH ON ME.
I STILL FACING THOSE FEARS AND NO WAY GOING TO RUN .
I HERE AND HE CAN COME RIGHT TO ME BECAUSE I'M TRIED OF RUNNING.
I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU NO MORE AND I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.
 I DO KNOW SHE TOLD YOU ABOUT MY BLOG AND YOU ARE READING IT.
LIKE I SAID TO YOU MANY TIMES YOU ARE A VERY MEAN AND ANGRY MAN.
 I DO FORGIVE YOU,
 THIS IS A DRUG ADDICTION THAT YOU ARE FACING AND THIS IS ALL YOU KNOW. THE MAN THAT I HAD MET WAS ONLY SOBER FOR 15 YEARS....
 HE IS INSIDE THERE SOMEWHERE ,MAYBE ONE DAY HE MIGHT COME OUT AGAIN OR MAYBE NOT... BUT LIKE I TOLD YOU MANY TIMES OVER AND OVER ...IT IS OVER WITH US AND I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU JOHN...
YOU WERE A HORRIBLE HUSBAND ANS STEP DAD ... AND LOVER...
 YOU NEEDED TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN LOVE ANYONE ...
SO START THERE...
LET ME GO ,
GIVE ME WHAT BELONGS TO ME!
STOP HOLDING ON...
STOP USING MY COURT ORDER FOR WHY YOU CANT MOVE ON...
JUST SIGN MY PAPERS AND LET ME GO FREE....

Face IT

I was always taught by my brother
 If I fear something face it
 Challenge it and make it part of me

As a child I was frighten of this bully
That was after me and she had a gang of friends
I kept running because of the fear
 That person seem bigger
 Than they were and tougher and meaner.
I would just shake just thinking about it.
So that was what I had to do was open my world
Not be afraid as a child and get to know all the kids
 Out there who is who and before you knew it every one knew my name..
It was cool because that girl was not so tough after all
 Ended up being my friend ....
So its funny how things work out...
They also say keep your enemy's close at all times...
And its a little bit like life's problems today,
When you got Monsters to Face,
I'm going right in and facing my Demons.
That's the Only way I can do it
 The only way I will get to survive..

Hidden secrets

Hidden secrets
He told me lots of his his hidden secrets of his past
as he trusted me as his partner.
he still can trust me ,
but with the paranoia of his drug addition
he trust no one!
He has not a kind pass you cant live with a pass like that.
Drugs and Drinking could not numb the grief of this monster past.
This Monster suffers so much pain and anger inside of him that he keeps wanting to bring me back home to him and Lock me up in his world to control me his way with his anger.
As he is a very angry Man!
And very mean man I kept telling him...
He did not like hearing that at all...
I think it made him more angry at me.
I would keep telling him over and over.
One time ,  after a trip home in the truck of him drinking and screaming and passing cars on a single lane tying to scare my son and I..
He would laugh and think it was funny because he has done this shit many of times on his bike...
in fact he went head on into a truck with his bike and almost loss his leg.
that's how he gets free drugs today from the doctors he tells me ..he just has to show them his scar and he laughs...
But one hidden secret I will let out and let all to know..
he has been after me for a while about it.
Never been a snitch... but for what my husband has put me threw and done to my son and I
Turning the tables on me after abusing me for so long
I have giving him many chances to go and get help,
 I supported him with his drug addition.
He stolen all that I have when he had nothing .
 Now he has all and I am left homeless with my child and I.
I have nothing to lose today do I ?
Well because of the many of abuse I was trying to leave this monster.
  He would not let me go.
As I was Told I would be put six feet under if I left this HIM.
  THATs was when my nitemare begun that Sept 08
  It just gotten worse from there on .
 I saw that the man I married turned into a Monster.. he was not John..
I would say to him Where is my john?
Who is this person?
This is not my John!
 That's when my world change and I started cutting back my friends and family
because of embarrassment on how he would have personality changes when he would take his drugs
 It would get real Uggly and bad at night when we were home all alone.
At night  is where I needed to be awake and alert for his craziness.
 But is was wearing me down.
I had enough one day and wanted to leave .
 I tried many times and he aways stop me...
This time I told him N.
 And held something on him and he did not like that..
And in a week he pleaded me back and said he would do anything to make it work.
Stop the pills and drugs .
Have e-mail to show it today but that only lasted for two weeks with john and the monster came back out again.
And time went on and I notice That I was becoming Ill and going in and out of hospitals and fighting infections and not knowing what the hell was going on with my body.
And also one morning I woke up and found my hip was hurting and bruise and only told my mother that I felt like i was stuck with a needle with something.(funny john said something in court about that but with my daughter).
So many strange things happen from there on.
One day while I was making breakfast and I was flipping the pancakes and I was talking to John while he was sitting down..He turn and said to me ....
Do you know I can have you put in jail for pointing that at me and have your son taking away from you!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My stomach dropped right then and there....
I knew I was in danger....
I pleaded with my mother for my son and i to come stay there..
She turn to me and told me .He is studying the bible now , work it out..
I was in so much fear for my son and I
I was getting sicker and at the little church I was attending  he would follow me there  too ,
John would tell the people at the church that I am ill and he is taking care of me and my son.
And I notice every one coming up to me asking how I am feeling ,not knowing at the time I was ill from the poison.
With in a week on a Friday I ended up in the hospital feeling of numbness all over my
  body and my heart racing .
Later the next Day I was sent home for bed rest and Sunday came..
The Day he was acting weird.
 That was the day he lied and set me up .
 I was taken in to jail and booked and charged for he was in fear that all  his hidden secrets were to come out.
Because he knew I was at the point I had enough.
He done this to save his ASS  instead of facing his deamons inside of himself.
As for the poison I was so ill and my nervous system was so bad that I must of looked like a drug addict to the police ..
But with no drugs in my system because we have reports from the hospital saying that.
How was he giving it to me I'm not sure... was it my coffee ,food .. was it the needle... he can get the stuff at the horse and feed place...
I remember my favorite horse died so sudden .. I couldn't understand why,,,, did he try it on Rocket first?
He had a habit of hurting things that I loved
That is why he hated my son so much and hurt him,
Well the reasoning why he was slowly trying to kill me and arsenic is hard to prove but it was in my blood and my sons blood.
But one of my threats I told him because he was holding me as a hostage in the middle of no where out in the desert with a 6 foot chain link fence around it so my son and I could not get out with a censor alarm every time you would go near the opening of the gate..
And when he was high scaring me telling me he was going to lock me up in the container .
No one can hear you scream and if they do ..they don't care,,,,,because you are in the middle of nowhere...  Your business is your business in that crazy ass small town.
So don't you think its worth telling my secret that i have over this man, I have nothing to lose ,
He took everything from my son and I and still is.... he has taking my time in life away from my children... my time is cut short now because of my health.
.I only have tomorrow and I try to live it well but there is days I just break down and cry...
I had so much.. I have nothing to day ...
The other day I trying to get my belonging back from john , drove all the way out to AZ ,,he promise he was going to drop stuff off with the trailer and once again he played his games..
He call the 3rd party up and told them plans changed and hung up ..
I guess to just get me out there!
So this is how this man plays......
But I'm not doing this to play his game...
 I'm doing this to keep myself alive..
 If anything happens to my son and I hopefully someone out there hears me...
I guess its who you know today for anyone to help you in the courts or the system.

The Poison/and Gods friends

The Poison

Slowly day by day I notice a change within me,
couldn't pin point it at first.
I just couldn't understand and I didn't want to believe he would do it!
I still don't want too!
But all the RED FLAGGS were THERE!
In my gut I know its True HE DID IT!
He told me HE WOULD!
I kept going to doctors not knowing what was wrong with me ,
Feeling like I was going to Die at any moment with my limb feeling like the blood rushing down them all the time.
I felt like my arms and legs were going to heat up and fall off.
My headaches were so painful that my head was splitting open.
I remember heaving and gagging over the toilet bowl to the point nothing but blood coming out of my mouth.
The mussel pain that I was feeling in my stomach was nothing I ever felt before.
 It was like My insides dissolving and burning and bleeding.
.I felt so weak at times to feel weak.
I remember standing in the shower and just having the shower water come down on my body was to  painful for me that day and Even to just stand there,,
I remember coughing so hard and not being able to breath gagging for air one night...
 Just praying to god to help me and give me answers to what is wrong with me,
What is going on with my body,,, please God give me a sign!
I was always told to pray...
And I remember with my last breath of air
 I lost conscience and I felt safe for a moment ...
.He made me see things for what they were and begun to open my eyes.
 HE gave me the courage to face my monster..
 IT was only the beginning for me as I have had many challenges with this Monster...
As for this Day before my eye became so true, I saw it with my eyes arsenic poisoning;
How could .and Why? both my son and I?My life will never be the same....
As he is the Devil friend hiding in Gods circle of friends  as for he can easily can fool a lost sheep.
 He will chew them up and spit them out like he has done to my son and I.He is my Monster that Hurt my son and I and He hides with in the circle of Gods friends...

WE WILL RUN..

WE WILL RUN
Christopher death and my birth

My mother lost a child, a boy that is..

I feel she blame all of us because of it.

I came along , but it just wasn't out dear Christopher.

My sister, five year older loved me as to her I was a Doll to her..

But that got old to my sweet sister after time,
Because changing diapers must of stunk for a five year old..
I never remember my mother around, I was always told that she was ill.

when I did see her, she was always in bed.

Laundry piled up... the house a mess...

My dad would come home on weekends and shop ,cook and clean .

I remember neighbors always looking out for us and feeding us.

its not like we were poor..

My father had a very good job ..

No one realize how bad my mother has become.

My mother started to get on her feet.

Got a job for a short time, went to school,started to hang out with some strange friends.

Then she found God...

She believed spare the Rod spoiled the child....

So that's whats I was hit with from age five and up .....Rods, Wirer Hangers .Cords,Wooded Spoons ....you name it We were hit with it....

I was not a Easy child... and if I am anything like my son today... That is why God put him in my life... I understand my son.. I love him...
To get back to where I was.... I really related to the Movie MOMMY DEAREST.....
My mother is a very Beautiful Woman.

still is...

My Father was always working late doing shows, and Broadway plays..

He tried hard keeping the family together and worked with my mothers parents and got her help.

When she got involve with this religion it took over her life...

She walked away from her family .

I was Molested for a 2ND time as a child at a park .

I was almost raped by the son of the Elders of her church.
And My own mother looked at me with disbelief.

When I came out to Vegas had my son, my mother then followed.

Thought I would have a chance of something new ..
She only lived down the road..
For four years never seen her, never heard from her, and when I did that day at the mall,

I walked up to her and she said oh by the way I sold the house and I'm leaving the country to Ecuador.
Didn't hear from her for 2 years...

and when I did....I found Out , the man from her church, the Elder, Joseph Hicks

She put him on her bank account... and he took her for 350,000.
All the money that my farther worked hard to make sure she was set for life to be taken care for was taken in a flash because she trusted this man...
She almost did not make it back from Ecuador as there was no money in her accounts.
Before all this happened, My sister and I told my mother that this man was a Con .

My mother does not listen ,She puts the people in her religion and the people who is studying over her family ..

So this is where I Come in.....

They says we always love our Abusers.... Well My Mother is one of my Abusers ..

No matter what I will always Forgive her, and move on and try hard not to let her hurt my son or I with her words of actions...

She has been in contact with my abuser with bible studies with her friend and its like she does not understand how this effects my child and me.

She stood in court and saw my pain when I had to get my Court order for my child and I.

My mother also heard my child cries when he broke down in her home and wanted to kill himself , and pleaded for this Monster to come and just Kill the both of us and just to get it over with..

I had to put a note on the Door ,because no one was able to knock on the door because my son was so frighten by this Monster, that he would go hide behind the chair.

An other time my child wanted to hang himself with a cord .. I had to wrap him with a blanket as he bit me and punched me till he pasted out and till the ambulance came.

And My mother witness a time with my son jumping out of my truck wanted to end his life of pain ...

How can this Woman sit down with my son"s abuser and mine..knowing all this...

I just don't understand..
Is this her way of abusing me all over again..?
I'm writing this not to hate her as I will always love her as I'm always looking for Love from her that I will never receive from her......
BY my mothers actions, Ive told her that this is digging and poking at old wounds and stabbing at me once again...and pain from my past in haunting me once again...
And I refuse To let this happen to my child, again...

But as long as I know that I was the one that cut the chain of abuse and that I get to show love to my prince , and I do hope he too can love and not hate......

I will Run as far as I can from this Cycle....

Friend and lover

A woman has to make a man feel real good about himself,


So when he walks in the room he feels all eyes are on him when he walks

feeling he walks with pride, because a Woman has his backbone for which he walks

his path.

For when he is down ,she is there for him to raise him Higher as she opens his soul as for she is the only one that can read threw his Eyes.She listens, She Cares, For she is Loyal to this Man.

This woman is his friend, Lover...

SOFTLY

SOFTLY

Looking me in my eyes,

suddenly grabbing me softly .

touching my hair , and I don't pull back.

I'm not afraid for the first time,

He reached for my face, and asked for a kiss.

His kiss was soft, and I like it..so I kissed him again.

TODAY

Today

Trying to be the person I once was.
Knowing Ill never be the same as I once was.
And understand I just might be just as strong as I was.
Not letting people take advanage of me like he did to me.
Making my own choices today.
Dealing with the choices that I make today.
Knowing that they were mine.
And no one can take them from me.

Just give them a call

Making that phone call was my last resort,


Who would ever think,

This would ever happen to me.

Its been told to me if I ever needed help.

Just give them a call, they would be there.

So that call I had no choice to do!

Scared and worried for my son,

We needed some sleep.

The kind voice on the end welcome us.

Then the knock on the door to the secret place.

So my son and I can feel safe.

as long as we want.

Kind people,and people just like us.

Keeping their monsters, and creatures out so they can feel safe.

Guiding us to a better place.

giving us the power back in our lives.

Building us back to be the woman who we were.

And reminding us how weak those monsters and creatures are.

WE Will Run....

The Picture

The Picture..

I remember that day, being so little... I still have that picture...
Its a picture Ill never forget...
I was almost 2
And in the picture all you can see is me scared and crying.
But did my mother ever ask why?
I remember the man ,coming up to my crib,
While my mother was distracted with my brother and sister.
And this man shouldn't of been touching me...
Where was my mother?
I finally got away crying and screaming...and running around the house.
My mother couldn't understand why I couldn't sit still and look pretty for this man to take my picture .
For so many years that was a hidden secret ,
That I had to keep every time I look at that picture of me crying and scared.

I was always raised not to show my feelings,

I was always raised not to show my feelings,

No one never new the pain I was feeling as a child.

In my house no one ever knew where it started..

Clean home always tidy and neat, was it my mother ?

was it my father?

My father was a very hard working man very well respected.

My mother lost a child before me, got very heavy into a religion.

My mother had the most loving parents,

Where we would spend the summers with.

My father parents disown our family.

My father chose to stay with our mother.

As a very small child I remember that day in Queens,
 on a snowy day before Christmas,

My fathers parents were arguing with my father,
 my father grab me.

He stormed out of the house down the stairs .

I had no shoes on,
 I left my favorite Red boots there.

I remember walking with my Dad quickly passing all the stores .

Seeing all the Christmas decor,
 My dad picking my up and getting on the train to go home.

That was the Last time I ever seen my grand parents...

Monday Reminder Gift from Him!

Sunday nite came home had so much fun

Forgot about all my horror and pain.

just hung with friends and just felt like me..

Had no worries, didn't have to look behind my back.

Had to take that Drive back to hell.

My son and I dreaded it all the way home.

Its just not like what we used to have.

But grateful to have a bed to sleep,and food to eat.

But only to wake up for some kind of horror

So he Let us know he knows we are there!

He left his Mark once again , by leaving guts of an animal and blood

along the side of my Truck to remind me of the Horror of what he can Do to me!

But he dosent know that he does not scare this girl ,

Im done with his games as he the only one playing the games,,,,,

Sneeks up behind the Bible,,

This man is a con...


He feels he can con people I know by reading the bible,

But I know what he is truly about.

But its really sad that the person he is fooling is my own mother .

She has been Fooled once before and he knows it.

He knows she can be Fooled by the way of the Bible to get to me.

He thinks he winning his Game , to get to me.

He knows Ive waited years to have my mother ,just once in my life again.

This is just one more thing this Monster is taken from my son and I out of our lives..

I don't think I can endure this pain much longer from day to day.....

MY FRIEND

MY FRIEND ,My FRIEND, words from my new friend
Is always so kind
Always looking out for me...
Joking and laughing,
And putting that smile on my face.
Making me forget my past and pain.
Telling me to continue on..
Knowing the woman that I was once was...
If I didn't have you my dear friend today,
I really don't know where I would be today,
with out any friends..
I wish people would learn what a true friend,
is by looking at you my friend !

My TIME !

Feeling the pain today knowing what I need to do.



Knowing I did all I can to keep my son and I safe


So tried of running from this monster games.
Everything scares me ,Even if it has nothing to do with him.
How can someone live like this?
I cant take living in this fear one more day
I keep trying to move myself on and when I do there is always
Something that just breaks me down..
My writing helps me,yes it does..
But does it keep me in this past dark world of horror
That this monster kept me to all himself?
I am trying to let myself free from this monster and if I keep hanging on
Is it going to be him that going to get me ?or its going to be my head...?
I need to put all this pain to rest and put this monster in Gods hands...


As God will handle things in his own times and heal me in time.


if I don't take trust in my God and fall behind.. I will just end my time..
because its just getting to that time, I need to just get it out of my mind ,
before it destroys the rest of my sons and my time.

To Late,No turning back..

Keeping it all in ,not telling a soul

Look where it got me .only later letting little pieces out .

One by one,feeling so ashamed because it has gotten so out of hand.

That no one would believe that this could be really happen.

But it was slowly happening, but I thought I could handle it all my self.

When I started complaining people listen, and it seem that they just didn't want to hear it.

Was it that they didn't want to believe or put their hand out to help.

Everyone has advice but its not that I don't want to do it,,

Its that I need to be taken by the hand at times cause Ive been beaten down so many times.

Because if I was able to do it alone I would of done it alone already..

I sat in front of the police station wanted to walk in to tell my story many of times.

And when at the hospital, been asked over and over and just was too afraid but I almost told ...but he realize

And that when he got wise....

So that's why I'm sharing my story...The man I trusted and Loved that became this monster got scared and set me up .... and turn the table on me... so if it wasn't for me being wise taken pictures with my phone and keeping all dates and family and support I would of been serving time. as this man is walking the streets now..



so you see report everything that happens to you ..And don't feel that you are being a Rat.



it will only keep you safe.



In his sick mind he still feel he has done no wrong to me, but if he ever gets off the drugs he might see what he has done when he realize he lost his family.

THE COWBOY

The Cowboy

Tall thin man leaning on the wall

Trying to blend in the wall

Trying not to let me see his face

Tilting his hat down

At just the right angle just right so I don't see his eyes

Letting me know he is there just like the time before.

Getting his message across ,trying to put in that fear

But if he only knew if he showed his eyes.

I would look him in the eyes and asked him why ?

Let him know I know why, he was the Guy that took my picture

In the park that day.....

And I'm On to him watching me, be ready and smile....

No turning back to his game....

He just doesn't want to let me go

Just like how he holds on to his drugs, I don't know why.

He doesn't love me as he doesn't know what love is..

In his mind he still doesn't understand that he lost me and why..

He lives in the house all alone and just getting high with his so called new friends.

Keeping my pictures up on the wall and pretending to have that family,

Thinking that they just might walk back threw those doors one day again..

He can continue to smoke his drugs till the end....

Because we are never turning back to his game....

KITTY

Hearing the kitty meow all night long not knowing where she was..

The door open and the light shines in and she quickly runs out

While he shuts the door ...

Not looking back in for her baby's

He locks the door behind her.

She had no choice..

Her fur was falling out from dehydration

I thought she was going to die as she was my kitty.

I realize she had her baby's in the container.

I couldn't risk going in there.

I told them they were in there but he didn't care,

Days went by,

Then weeks went by

Then he went in there the get them...

To only show my son the dried up body's

Of my Kitty's baby's....

Taken

TaKEN

Feeling of pain inside my Heart

He took everything from me

What more can he take...

I flee with nothing but my child and me....

He continues to stalk people I know.

My family and friends...

Trying to be kind making me look out of my mind..

Making people think I'm losing my mind..

Putting all that fear back in my mind..

Don't you see,don't you see....

He just keeps reminding me of that time...

Of putting that fear in my mind...

EMPTYNESS

EMPTYNESS

Feeling empty inside today.

Sometimes I just want to just give up and just die.

But my son is the only reason why I keep going..

People disappoint me everyday.

They say they are going to help me today to only break the appointed for the day.

Keeping me just waiting around for the whole day.

And it really hurts when its your only favorite big brother.

Always A Monster

Always A Monster

Bought a home for 308.but a loan for 208.

Trusted him with my heart.

Before I knew it , the loan was for 490.

What a fool I was to trust him....

Love the man as for he was Sober

That only lasted a short time

For the true person he was ,will always be that monster

That stole a big part of my life away.

LIKE never haveing FEAR

My little boy was just a little boy

Now is not a little boy as he is going up so fast,

Being so afraid to jump off that diving board one day

To be jumping of that diving board like he never had fear.

IF you only knew how brave he was,

TO see and know this braveness of this little boy.

....

......

The Cell

The cell

The phone rang

5 am in the morning...

There was a voice on the other end

Are you mom?

Hello are you mom?

Who is this?

Are you sandy"s mother?

Who?

ARE you Sandy's mother?

No!

She has your phone and you under mom?

Maybe , her name is not sandy!

.........................................

My worst night mare!
He only knows..........
Because I told Him !He only knew!
My worst /night mare!

.............................

The Lady with no name has my little boys phone
She is dying in the hospital and no one cares
She is just a working girl from the street.
She held on to my sons phone with my number

to feel like she belong maybe?

How did she Get my son' phone from that house..?

Seeing My son's pictures of love from a mother and a son.

Holding on to memory's she had once had as a child.

Before it was stolen from the Lady with no name.....

I do hope she has a name? ,.......She deserves a name.....

Friends

Friends
Its nice to have friends that I have now,
They are there for me as I know now
For knowing what I have gone threw
Some of them will never know what
I been threw,but only could imagine.
But as friends we are looking forward
So as far as past mistakes we can we can move forward
Make sure we look hard in who we bring into our lives
So we don't do that past mistake all over....

Healing

HEALING
It takes time, as it took time to slowly take the person who I was
the woman I was ,strong, wise, out going ,no fear etc...
If you told me I couldn't do it ..I did it.....
This person slowly took it from me piece by piece like a puzzle.
One by one crumbling a part of me falling out of my hands piece by piece...
He broke me down, to build him self up.
He needed someone strong like me to take away to build him self up when he was down.
He needed the power of the drink and pills to make him strong to do this to me.
Little did he know that the Power of God is Stronger
And when you have Faith you have no FEAR.
When that Coward picks up the bottle he has nothing but FEAR
Fear Everything And Run because you can not hurt me no more!

IF ONLY

IF ONLY,

Sometimes I wish I could just wipe out time,

But only it made my stronger over time

But if only I could take that time away,

Just one time..

I would...

So my child would could go back in time

To never feel or see that time....

Words to you my friend

Words to you my friend

Wonderful sweet words from you my friend,

Helping me forget the horror where I came from,

Up lifting me from the darkness where I been all alone.

Not been able to share my smile for a long time

Feeling like that little girl again.

Hearing your voice, your kind words..

Your heart and learning who you are.

Wanted to say thank you,

for just being who you are!

　

Looks Just So Fine!

Everything looks just so fine

No one knew,

No one ever asked,

Everything just looked just so fine

Nice cars , Nice home,Nice wife.

Everything looked in its place.

Who could tell?

That things was falling apart in there life.

Feeling like I was dying,

Grasping for air,

My last words,

Was my only words,

As I blacked out,

All I can remember

Calling to my God

To hear my voice,

That no one was hearing,

As I past out, I felt safe.

My God answered my prayers,

As I am able to write my story.

POISON VS FORGIVENESS

Poison VS Forgiveness

If you don't forgive someone,

You hold hatred in,

Its like keeping the poison in your belly,

 And not letting it out.

I forgive you.

YOU will never come near US ever again !

UNDER WATER

Under Water

Feeling free from all his problems

Forgetting about all his pain

Splashing away forgetting all the hurt

On his back floating and kicking and trusting the waters

Because he feels safe from all he has gone threw

Lifting his head taking a peak just checking with one eye

Making sure his mom is alright.

 Going right back and being that boy once again.

The Man, The Stranger

The Man,the Stranger

He was a man that did not drink, did not do drugs, loves God.

What happened to this man?

Before I knew he change into someone I did not know

A stranger before my eyes,

A strong man who lost faith in God who became Weak

When will he ever get it, I will never know.

I will have to just keep my faith,

Just forgive this man

Move on with my life.

The Container

The Container

Having fear of the door being shut behind

Not knowing what will be next on his mind

Sitting on the couch as the man comes behind

Wondering if a swing will follow behind.

Trying to do something kind, but only to cry for doing something kind.

Wanting to fix something broken only for the man to rip it down.

But know I can fix anything with out that man ripping anything down.

The Closet

The closet

In the beginning I would hear the noises in the closet

I would see the man in the closet

As big as he is ...and as strong as he was.

Like a child in the closet .

Never knowing what he was doing

Until I go the courage

 Found a trail of candy wrappers leading to the closet.

Hot Wax Candle

Hot Wax Candle

Seeing threw my eyes a man dipping his hands

over and over into hot wax.

With his eyes glassy and empty inside.

Thinking he knows what he is doing.

Hearing him speak as if there was a crowd watching over him.

But only I was observing the man I once knew.

High on his mix and taking all his pills so he can get his thrill.

Dipping his hands into hot wax ,

 Repeatedly putting it back.

Taking it back out of that hot mi-co wave over and over again.

Trying to put his hand back in again to grab that wick again.

Telling me over and over again,

That he is making his bomb over and over again.

*To blow our family up again and again. 


(*this last line I had to change to protect the person he wanted to blow up!)

The Wall

The wall

The wall is up

It will never come down.

For once it did,and all came down.

Is for that wall is so hard to let down

to open, and just trust one more time

Its guarded so much more this time.

I know its going to take a lot more trust this time around.

so just be prepared to just get hurt this time around.

INNOCENTS

This child of innocents

He had no choice

You yelled you screamed you hit,

You put him down just as someone did to you,

You never had patience as they never did with you.

This was the only way you knew love.

We tried teaching you love,

You just never held on to it,

To learn a simple way from a child,

A tender way of just how lucky you were.

To have a chance to have us as a family.

But your rage and anger that you made .

You will never get that chance.

I am so glad I step up and said enough is enough.

Who will it be tonight?

Who will it be tonight?

Every night sleepiness nights not knowing if a gun will be to my head.

Will this be the night, that I might hear the gun go off.

Will it be me or will it be my son....

Hearing the foot steps by my bed side

Hearing the foot steps inside ,

I have to get up to protect my child,

Frighten that he is walking and pacing with the gun in the night.

Who will it be tonight?

Sharping and Shinning

Sharping and shinning his blades every night

Making sure they are just right

for what I just don't know.

Looking at me with rage of hate,

While sharping his blades every night

blaming me for his life.

You never know how brave you are,
how much courage you can have,
or how many Everests you can climb,
Until you are faced with
a fire-breathing dragon. . .
or a child you love with all
your heart, who needs
you to be their hero.

found this, and kept this close to me!

Taken Away

Taken away!
This house ,beautiful ,all I ever wanted.
Had to pinch my arm to see if it was a dream.
No it wasn't a dream, I did this on my own.
I was once told I couldn't do it.
I was careful, but one day I let my guard down.
He told me I didn't love him because I had my wall up.
Now I know that's not what love is about anymore!
He took all that I love from me.like a animal in a cage.
Only let me out when he wanted too! and enjoy the things when it was OK by him like a animal in a cage.
One by one ,my things started slipping away..
Even my self was slipping away.
Not just the things I cherish most. one by one going away...
But Trusted friends in my life dissolving away !

The Lady's that came to my aid

Walking in ,not a sound only the sound of my shoes on the wooden floor...
Walking by the man I fear..
But with my head high and no longer can he make me Fear Everything And Run from him.
The Lady's that came to my aid, and touched my shoulder and told me its OK..
 I was able to tell my story of my prince and I.
Feeling and knowing what I have gone threw.
Led me threw the doors to day,with my angels holding me up by there wings.
So I can be a voice for my little prince and I...
My ladies a lot like me ,prepared me for what I needed to face, and I am so grateful to know that I am not Alone no more with this horrible past.
 Now I feel free in letting this pain out that I felt so shameful for ,
 Its OK to share my life so no one would have to feel the pain as my prince and I had.....

LOOKING AT HER YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW!

lQQKING AT HER YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW!

Looking at her you would never know,

So much life and laughter and love how would how would you know ?

Slowly so much life and laughter and love is being taking from her .

Being so brave, and strong girl

She is and holding that puzzle together trying so hard not to let it fall apart.

You would never know that it was being pulled right from her hands and rip right out from under her.

Her silent cries and no one hears her.

No one listens, no one cares.

Is it my fault that I am this little girl,and I couldn't hold this puzzle any more.

I did my best, did I make a mistake not being loud enough.

But why do I have to pay for this?

The little girl is screaming inside pleading for help, and no one hears me or her.

Trapped and no place to go, and I can not protect my little prince no more.

I pray to my God to hear me and help me,to give me strength and courage to find my

chance to flee.

And when I do in the middle of no where, no one hears me ,holding on tight to the gate, fearing for my life.

Not being able to breath or see no more.

Not knowing where I am,

Falling to the ground giving in,

I can not take no more,

My silence just broke me in half,

When someone that I teach my child to trust and Respects takes me away....

My child knowing all what we had pulled out from under us... How can he feel safe comming home to this Man.........

ALMOST BUT DIDNT

Almost but didn't.

In the hospital, feeling the pain.

rush down for more testing.

and with the IV

a warm feeling

going in my body rushing threw my veins.

the feelings of letting everything go.

all my worries, all my pain,

everything in my mind release.

what a feeling,

a feeling of letting go,

and not coming back...

Crashing

and then hearing my name being called...

I don't want to come back!

not to this painful world.....

Oh I wish I can go back to that peaceful world,

Why did you have to wake me up?....

Once Had

8/8/2009 Feelings of today is lost , Empty inside missing the man I once Loved. Where is he? inside his bottle of Bud, drinking his life away. Taking a Pill a day. Forgetting all we ever had. What ever happen? The man that I met had so much strength. And the man I see now, weaken by the pills, and bottle. Destroying his life piece by piece, from each sip of the bottle and each pill he takes into his body . He dissolves slowly to a stranger that i will never know. I choose to never know this stranger of pills, and of a bottle as it only causes pain to the ones you Love. So my feeling of Lost is only gratitude that it is not me today sorrowing in my self pity today!

..r

.....

...............

......

Dont judge my words

Dont judge my Words

Ive been threw pain of Horror,




you will read on..



how my son and I survived ..



I'm not on here for you to be mad at the man I once Loved,



As I teach My son to forgive the man that hurt us..



As this man that We once Loved is Very Sick.



As If I don't ,My Son Will grow up with Hatred like this Man did



with his Father.





We Will Forgive him and Hope he gets Help and Gets Sober again.



My writing is only Drafts, of thoughts as I write to gets pain out.



So don't judge my spelling as this man done enough pain on to us..



One Day I will come back to my pain of writing and Correct my words,

 but maybe not.



as I sit and shake my pain threw my hands to get it out of my head..



so if you read my words and see a misspelled word ..just think of what I went threw just to write my words...