Face IT

I was always taught by my brother
 If I fear something face it
 Challenge it and make it part of me

As a child I was frighten of this bully
That was after me and she had a gang of friends
I kept running because of the fear
 That person seem bigger
 Than they were and tougher and meaner.
I would just shake just thinking about it.
So that was what I had to do was open my world
Not be afraid as a child and get to know all the kids
 Out there who is who and before you knew it every one knew my name..
It was cool because that girl was not so tough after all
 Ended up being my friend ....
So its funny how things work out...
They also say keep your enemy's close at all times...
And its a little bit like life's problems today,
When you got Monsters to Face,
I'm going right in and facing my Demons.
That's the Only way I can do it
 The only way I will get to survive..

Hidden secrets

Hidden secrets
He told me lots of his his hidden secrets of his past
as he trusted me as his partner.
he still can trust me ,
but with the paranoia of his drug addition
he trust no one!
He has not a kind pass you cant live with a pass like that.
Drugs and Drinking could not numb the grief of this monster past.
This Monster suffers so much pain and anger inside of him that he keeps wanting to bring me back home to him and Lock me up in his world to control me his way with his anger.
As he is a very angry Man!
And very mean man I kept telling him...
He did not like hearing that at all...
I think it made him more angry at me.
I would keep telling him over and over.
One time ,  after a trip home in the truck of him drinking and screaming and passing cars on a single lane tying to scare my son and I..
He would laugh and think it was funny because he has done this shit many of times on his bike...
in fact he went head on into a truck with his bike and almost loss his leg.
that's how he gets free drugs today from the doctors he tells me ..he just has to show them his scar and he laughs...
But one hidden secret I will let out and let all to know..
he has been after me for a while about it.
Never been a snitch... but for what my husband has put me threw and done to my son and I
Turning the tables on me after abusing me for so long
I have giving him many chances to go and get help,
 I supported him with his drug addition.
He stolen all that I have when he had nothing .
 Now he has all and I am left homeless with my child and I.
I have nothing to lose today do I ?
Well because of the many of abuse I was trying to leave this monster.
  He would not let me go.
As I was Told I would be put six feet under if I left this HIM.
  THATs was when my nitemare begun that Sept 08
  It just gotten worse from there on .
 I saw that the man I married turned into a Monster.. he was not John..
I would say to him Where is my john?
Who is this person?
This is not my John!
 That's when my world change and I started cutting back my friends and family
because of embarrassment on how he would have personality changes when he would take his drugs
 It would get real Uggly and bad at night when we were home all alone.
At night  is where I needed to be awake and alert for his craziness.
 But is was wearing me down.
I had enough one day and wanted to leave .
 I tried many times and he aways stop me...
This time I told him N.
 And held something on him and he did not like that..
And in a week he pleaded me back and said he would do anything to make it work.
Stop the pills and drugs .
Have e-mail to show it today but that only lasted for two weeks with john and the monster came back out again.
And time went on and I notice That I was becoming Ill and going in and out of hospitals and fighting infections and not knowing what the hell was going on with my body.
And also one morning I woke up and found my hip was hurting and bruise and only told my mother that I felt like i was stuck with a needle with something.(funny john said something in court about that but with my daughter).
So many strange things happen from there on.
One day while I was making breakfast and I was flipping the pancakes and I was talking to John while he was sitting down..He turn and said to me ....
Do you know I can have you put in jail for pointing that at me and have your son taking away from you!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My stomach dropped right then and there....
I knew I was in danger....
I pleaded with my mother for my son and i to come stay there..
She turn to me and told me .He is studying the bible now , work it out..
I was in so much fear for my son and I
I was getting sicker and at the little church I was attending  he would follow me there  too ,
John would tell the people at the church that I am ill and he is taking care of me and my son.
And I notice every one coming up to me asking how I am feeling ,not knowing at the time I was ill from the poison.
With in a week on a Friday I ended up in the hospital feeling of numbness all over my
  body and my heart racing .
Later the next Day I was sent home for bed rest and Sunday came..
The Day he was acting weird.
 That was the day he lied and set me up .
 I was taken in to jail and booked and charged for he was in fear that all  his hidden secrets were to come out.
Because he knew I was at the point I had enough.
He done this to save his ASS  instead of facing his deamons inside of himself.
As for the poison I was so ill and my nervous system was so bad that I must of looked like a drug addict to the police ..
But with no drugs in my system because we have reports from the hospital saying that.
How was he giving it to me I'm not sure... was it my coffee ,food .. was it the needle... he can get the stuff at the horse and feed place...
I remember my favorite horse died so sudden .. I couldn't understand why,,,, did he try it on Rocket first?
He had a habit of hurting things that I loved
That is why he hated my son so much and hurt him,
Well the reasoning why he was slowly trying to kill me and arsenic is hard to prove but it was in my blood and my sons blood.
But one of my threats I told him because he was holding me as a hostage in the middle of no where out in the desert with a 6 foot chain link fence around it so my son and I could not get out with a censor alarm every time you would go near the opening of the gate..
And when he was high scaring me telling me he was going to lock me up in the container .
No one can hear you scream and if they do ..they don't care,,,,,because you are in the middle of nowhere...  Your business is your business in that crazy ass small town.
So don't you think its worth telling my secret that i have over this man, I have nothing to lose ,
He took everything from my son and I and still is.... he has taking my time in life away from my children... my time is cut short now because of my health.
.I only have tomorrow and I try to live it well but there is days I just break down and cry...
I had so much.. I have nothing to day ...
The other day I trying to get my belonging back from john , drove all the way out to AZ ,,he promise he was going to drop stuff off with the trailer and once again he played his games..
He call the 3rd party up and told them plans changed and hung up ..
I guess to just get me out there!
So this is how this man plays......
But I'm not doing this to play his game...
 I'm doing this to keep myself alive..
 If anything happens to my son and I hopefully someone out there hears me...
I guess its who you know today for anyone to help you in the courts or the system.

The Poison/and Gods friends

The Poison

Slowly day by day I notice a change within me,
couldn't pin point it at first.
I just couldn't understand and I didn't want to believe he would do it!
I still don't want too!
But all the RED FLAGGS were THERE!
In my gut I know its True HE DID IT!
He told me HE WOULD!
I kept going to doctors not knowing what was wrong with me ,
Feeling like I was going to Die at any moment with my limb feeling like the blood rushing down them all the time.
I felt like my arms and legs were going to heat up and fall off.
My headaches were so painful that my head was splitting open.
I remember heaving and gagging over the toilet bowl to the point nothing but blood coming out of my mouth.
The mussel pain that I was feeling in my stomach was nothing I ever felt before.
 It was like My insides dissolving and burning and bleeding.
.I felt so weak at times to feel weak.
I remember standing in the shower and just having the shower water come down on my body was to  painful for me that day and Even to just stand there,,
I remember coughing so hard and not being able to breath gagging for air one night...
 Just praying to god to help me and give me answers to what is wrong with me,
What is going on with my body,,, please God give me a sign!
I was always told to pray...
And I remember with my last breath of air
 I lost conscience and I felt safe for a moment ...
.He made me see things for what they were and begun to open my eyes.
 HE gave me the courage to face my monster..
 IT was only the beginning for me as I have had many challenges with this Monster...
As for this Day before my eye became so true, I saw it with my eyes arsenic poisoning;
How could .and Why? both my son and I?My life will never be the same....
As he is the Devil friend hiding in Gods circle of friends  as for he can easily can fool a lost sheep.
 He will chew them up and spit them out like he has done to my son and I.He is my Monster that Hurt my son and I and He hides with in the circle of Gods friends...

WE WILL RUN..

WE WILL RUN
Christopher death and my birth

My mother lost a child, a boy that is..

I feel she blame all of us because of it.

I came along , but it just wasn't out dear Christopher.

My sister, five year older loved me as to her I was a Doll to her..

But that got old to my sweet sister after time,
Because changing diapers must of stunk for a five year old..
I never remember my mother around, I was always told that she was ill.

when I did see her, she was always in bed.

Laundry piled up... the house a mess...

My dad would come home on weekends and shop ,cook and clean .

I remember neighbors always looking out for us and feeding us.

its not like we were poor..

My father had a very good job ..

No one realize how bad my mother has become.

My mother started to get on her feet.

Got a job for a short time, went to school,started to hang out with some strange friends.

Then she found God...

She believed spare the Rod spoiled the child....

So that's whats I was hit with from age five and up .....Rods, Wirer Hangers .Cords,Wooded Spoons ....you name it We were hit with it....

I was not a Easy child... and if I am anything like my son today... That is why God put him in my life... I understand my son.. I love him...
To get back to where I was.... I really related to the Movie MOMMY DEAREST.....
My mother is a very Beautiful Woman.

still is...

My Father was always working late doing shows, and Broadway plays..

He tried hard keeping the family together and worked with my mothers parents and got her help.

When she got involve with this religion it took over her life...

She walked away from her family .

I was Molested for a 2ND time as a child at a park .

I was almost raped by the son of the Elders of her church.
And My own mother looked at me with disbelief.

When I came out to Vegas had my son, my mother then followed.

Thought I would have a chance of something new ..
She only lived down the road..
For four years never seen her, never heard from her, and when I did that day at the mall,

I walked up to her and she said oh by the way I sold the house and I'm leaving the country to Ecuador.
Didn't hear from her for 2 years...

and when I did....I found Out , the man from her church, the Elder, Joseph Hicks

She put him on her bank account... and he took her for 350,000.
All the money that my farther worked hard to make sure she was set for life to be taken care for was taken in a flash because she trusted this man...
She almost did not make it back from Ecuador as there was no money in her accounts.
Before all this happened, My sister and I told my mother that this man was a Con .

My mother does not listen ,She puts the people in her religion and the people who is studying over her family ..

So this is where I Come in.....

They says we always love our Abusers.... Well My Mother is one of my Abusers ..

No matter what I will always Forgive her, and move on and try hard not to let her hurt my son or I with her words of actions...

She has been in contact with my abuser with bible studies with her friend and its like she does not understand how this effects my child and me.

She stood in court and saw my pain when I had to get my Court order for my child and I.

My mother also heard my child cries when he broke down in her home and wanted to kill himself , and pleaded for this Monster to come and just Kill the both of us and just to get it over with..

I had to put a note on the Door ,because no one was able to knock on the door because my son was so frighten by this Monster, that he would go hide behind the chair.

An other time my child wanted to hang himself with a cord .. I had to wrap him with a blanket as he bit me and punched me till he pasted out and till the ambulance came.

And My mother witness a time with my son jumping out of my truck wanted to end his life of pain ...

How can this Woman sit down with my son"s abuser and mine..knowing all this...

I just don't understand..
Is this her way of abusing me all over again..?
I'm writing this not to hate her as I will always love her as I'm always looking for Love from her that I will never receive from her......
BY my mothers actions, Ive told her that this is digging and poking at old wounds and stabbing at me once again...and pain from my past in haunting me once again...
And I refuse To let this happen to my child, again...

But as long as I know that I was the one that cut the chain of abuse and that I get to show love to my prince , and I do hope he too can love and not hate......

I will Run as far as I can from this Cycle....

Friend and lover

A woman has to make a man feel real good about himself,


So when he walks in the room he feels all eyes are on him when he walks

feeling he walks with pride, because a Woman has his backbone for which he walks

his path.

For when he is down ,she is there for him to raise him Higher as she opens his soul as for she is the only one that can read threw his Eyes.She listens, She Cares, For she is Loyal to this Man.

This woman is his friend, Lover...

SOFTLY

SOFTLY

Looking me in my eyes,

suddenly grabbing me softly .

touching my hair , and I don't pull back.

I'm not afraid for the first time,

He reached for my face, and asked for a kiss.

His kiss was soft, and I like it..so I kissed him again.

TODAY

Today

Trying to be the person I once was.
Knowing Ill never be the same as I once was.
And understand I just might be just as strong as I was.
Not letting people take advanage of me like he did to me.
Making my own choices today.
Dealing with the choices that I make today.
Knowing that they were mine.
And no one can take them from me.

Just give them a call

Making that phone call was my last resort,


Who would ever think,

This would ever happen to me.

Its been told to me if I ever needed help.

Just give them a call, they would be there.

So that call I had no choice to do!

Scared and worried for my son,

We needed some sleep.

The kind voice on the end welcome us.

Then the knock on the door to the secret place.

So my son and I can feel safe.

as long as we want.

Kind people,and people just like us.

Keeping their monsters, and creatures out so they can feel safe.

Guiding us to a better place.

giving us the power back in our lives.

Building us back to be the woman who we were.

And reminding us how weak those monsters and creatures are.

WE Will Run....

The Picture

The Picture..

I remember that day, being so little... I still have that picture...
Its a picture Ill never forget...
I was almost 2
And in the picture all you can see is me scared and crying.
But did my mother ever ask why?
I remember the man ,coming up to my crib,
While my mother was distracted with my brother and sister.
And this man shouldn't of been touching me...
Where was my mother?
I finally got away crying and screaming...and running around the house.
My mother couldn't understand why I couldn't sit still and look pretty for this man to take my picture .
For so many years that was a hidden secret ,
That I had to keep every time I look at that picture of me crying and scared.

I was always raised not to show my feelings,

I was always raised not to show my feelings,

No one never new the pain I was feeling as a child.

In my house no one ever knew where it started..

Clean home always tidy and neat, was it my mother ?

was it my father?

My father was a very hard working man very well respected.

My mother lost a child before me, got very heavy into a religion.

My mother had the most loving parents,

Where we would spend the summers with.

My father parents disown our family.

My father chose to stay with our mother.

As a very small child I remember that day in Queens,
 on a snowy day before Christmas,

My fathers parents were arguing with my father,
 my father grab me.

He stormed out of the house down the stairs .

I had no shoes on,
 I left my favorite Red boots there.

I remember walking with my Dad quickly passing all the stores .

Seeing all the Christmas decor,
 My dad picking my up and getting on the train to go home.

That was the Last time I ever seen my grand parents...

Monday Reminder Gift from Him!

Sunday nite came home had so much fun

Forgot about all my horror and pain.

just hung with friends and just felt like me..

Had no worries, didn't have to look behind my back.

Had to take that Drive back to hell.

My son and I dreaded it all the way home.

Its just not like what we used to have.

But grateful to have a bed to sleep,and food to eat.

But only to wake up for some kind of horror

So he Let us know he knows we are there!

He left his Mark once again , by leaving guts of an animal and blood

along the side of my Truck to remind me of the Horror of what he can Do to me!

But he dosent know that he does not scare this girl ,

Im done with his games as he the only one playing the games,,,,,

Sneeks up behind the Bible,,

This man is a con...


He feels he can con people I know by reading the bible,

But I know what he is truly about.

But its really sad that the person he is fooling is my own mother .

She has been Fooled once before and he knows it.

He knows she can be Fooled by the way of the Bible to get to me.

He thinks he winning his Game , to get to me.

He knows Ive waited years to have my mother ,just once in my life again.

This is just one more thing this Monster is taken from my son and I out of our lives..

I don't think I can endure this pain much longer from day to day.....