KITTY

Hearing the kitty meow all night long not knowing where she was..

The door open and the light shines in and she quickly runs out

While he shuts the door ...

Not looking back in for her baby's

He locks the door behind her.

She had no choice..

Her fur was falling out from dehydration

I thought she was going to die as she was my kitty.

I realize she had her baby's in the container.

I couldn't risk going in there.

I told them they were in there but he didn't care,

Days went by,

Then weeks went by

Then he went in there the get them...

To only show my son the dried up body's

Of my Kitty's baby's....

Taken

TaKEN

Feeling of pain inside my Heart

He took everything from me

What more can he take...

I flee with nothing but my child and me....

He continues to stalk people I know.

My family and friends...

Trying to be kind making me look out of my mind..

Making people think I'm losing my mind..

Putting all that fear back in my mind..

Don't you see,don't you see....

He just keeps reminding me of that time...

Of putting that fear in my mind...

EMPTYNESS

EMPTYNESS

Feeling empty inside today.

Sometimes I just want to just give up and just die.

But my son is the only reason why I keep going..

People disappoint me everyday.

They say they are going to help me today to only break the appointed for the day.

Keeping me just waiting around for the whole day.

And it really hurts when its your only favorite big brother.

Always A Monster

Always A Monster

Bought a home for 308.but a loan for 208.

Trusted him with my heart.

Before I knew it , the loan was for 490.

What a fool I was to trust him....

Love the man as for he was Sober

That only lasted a short time

For the true person he was ,will always be that monster

That stole a big part of my life away.

LIKE never haveing FEAR

My little boy was just a little boy

Now is not a little boy as he is going up so fast,

Being so afraid to jump off that diving board one day

To be jumping of that diving board like he never had fear.

IF you only knew how brave he was,

TO see and know this braveness of this little boy.

....

......

The Cell

The cell

The phone rang

5 am in the morning...

There was a voice on the other end

Are you mom?

Hello are you mom?

Who is this?

Are you sandy"s mother?

Who?

ARE you Sandy's mother?

No!

She has your phone and you under mom?

Maybe , her name is not sandy!

.........................................

My worst night mare!
He only knows..........
Because I told Him !He only knew!
My worst /night mare!

.............................

The Lady with no name has my little boys phone
She is dying in the hospital and no one cares
She is just a working girl from the street.
She held on to my sons phone with my number

to feel like she belong maybe?

How did she Get my son' phone from that house..?

Seeing My son's pictures of love from a mother and a son.

Holding on to memory's she had once had as a child.

Before it was stolen from the Lady with no name.....

I do hope she has a name? ,.......She deserves a name.....

Friends

Friends
Its nice to have friends that I have now,
They are there for me as I know now
For knowing what I have gone threw
Some of them will never know what
I been threw,but only could imagine.
But as friends we are looking forward
So as far as past mistakes we can we can move forward
Make sure we look hard in who we bring into our lives
So we don't do that past mistake all over....

Healing

HEALING
It takes time, as it took time to slowly take the person who I was
the woman I was ,strong, wise, out going ,no fear etc...
If you told me I couldn't do it ..I did it.....
This person slowly took it from me piece by piece like a puzzle.
One by one crumbling a part of me falling out of my hands piece by piece...
He broke me down, to build him self up.
He needed someone strong like me to take away to build him self up when he was down.
He needed the power of the drink and pills to make him strong to do this to me.
Little did he know that the Power of God is Stronger
And when you have Faith you have no FEAR.
When that Coward picks up the bottle he has nothing but FEAR
Fear Everything And Run because you can not hurt me no more!

IF ONLY

IF ONLY,

Sometimes I wish I could just wipe out time,

But only it made my stronger over time

But if only I could take that time away,

Just one time..

I would...

So my child would could go back in time

To never feel or see that time....

Words to you my friend

Words to you my friend

Wonderful sweet words from you my friend,

Helping me forget the horror where I came from,

Up lifting me from the darkness where I been all alone.

Not been able to share my smile for a long time

Feeling like that little girl again.

Hearing your voice, your kind words..

Your heart and learning who you are.

Wanted to say thank you,

for just being who you are!

　

Looks Just So Fine!

Everything looks just so fine

No one knew,

No one ever asked,

Everything just looked just so fine

Nice cars , Nice home,Nice wife.

Everything looked in its place.

Who could tell?

That things was falling apart in there life.

Feeling like I was dying,

Grasping for air,

My last words,

Was my only words,

As I blacked out,

All I can remember

Calling to my God

To hear my voice,

That no one was hearing,

As I past out, I felt safe.

My God answered my prayers,

As I am able to write my story.

POISON VS FORGIVENESS

Poison VS Forgiveness

If you don't forgive someone,

You hold hatred in,

Its like keeping the poison in your belly,

 And not letting it out.

I forgive you.

YOU will never come near US ever again !

UNDER WATER

Under Water

Feeling free from all his problems

Forgetting about all his pain

Splashing away forgetting all the hurt

On his back floating and kicking and trusting the waters

Because he feels safe from all he has gone threw

Lifting his head taking a peak just checking with one eye

Making sure his mom is alright.

 Going right back and being that boy once again.

The Man, The Stranger

The Man,the Stranger

He was a man that did not drink, did not do drugs, loves God.

What happened to this man?

Before I knew he change into someone I did not know

A stranger before my eyes,

A strong man who lost faith in God who became Weak

When will he ever get it, I will never know.

I will have to just keep my faith,

Just forgive this man

Move on with my life.

The Container

The Container

Having fear of the door being shut behind

Not knowing what will be next on his mind

Sitting on the couch as the man comes behind

Wondering if a swing will follow behind.

Trying to do something kind, but only to cry for doing something kind.

Wanting to fix something broken only for the man to rip it down.

But know I can fix anything with out that man ripping anything down.

The Closet

The closet

In the beginning I would hear the noises in the closet

I would see the man in the closet

As big as he is ...and as strong as he was.

Like a child in the closet .

Never knowing what he was doing

Until I go the courage

 Found a trail of candy wrappers leading to the closet.

Hot Wax Candle

Hot Wax Candle

Seeing threw my eyes a man dipping his hands

over and over into hot wax.

With his eyes glassy and empty inside.

Thinking he knows what he is doing.

Hearing him speak as if there was a crowd watching over him.

But only I was observing the man I once knew.

High on his mix and taking all his pills so he can get his thrill.

Dipping his hands into hot wax ,

 Repeatedly putting it back.

Taking it back out of that hot mi-co wave over and over again.

Trying to put his hand back in again to grab that wick again.

Telling me over and over again,

That he is making his bomb over and over again.

*To blow our family up again and again. 


(*this last line I had to change to protect the person he wanted to blow up!)

The Wall

The wall

The wall is up

It will never come down.

For once it did,and all came down.

Is for that wall is so hard to let down

to open, and just trust one more time

Its guarded so much more this time.

I know its going to take a lot more trust this time around.

so just be prepared to just get hurt this time around.

INNOCENTS

This child of innocents

He had no choice

You yelled you screamed you hit,

You put him down just as someone did to you,

You never had patience as they never did with you.

This was the only way you knew love.

We tried teaching you love,

You just never held on to it,

To learn a simple way from a child,

A tender way of just how lucky you were.

To have a chance to have us as a family.

But your rage and anger that you made .

You will never get that chance.

I am so glad I step up and said enough is enough.

Who will it be tonight?

Who will it be tonight?

Every night sleepiness nights not knowing if a gun will be to my head.

Will this be the night, that I might hear the gun go off.

Will it be me or will it be my son....

Hearing the foot steps by my bed side

Hearing the foot steps inside ,

I have to get up to protect my child,

Frighten that he is walking and pacing with the gun in the night.

Who will it be tonight?

Sharping and Shinning

Sharping and shinning his blades every night

Making sure they are just right

for what I just don't know.

Looking at me with rage of hate,

While sharping his blades every night

blaming me for his life.

You never know how brave you are,
how much courage you can have,
or how many Everests you can climb,
Until you are faced with
a fire-breathing dragon. . .
or a child you love with all
your heart, who needs
you to be their hero.

found this, and kept this close to me!

Taken Away

Taken away!
This house ,beautiful ,all I ever wanted.
Had to pinch my arm to see if it was a dream.
No it wasn't a dream, I did this on my own.
I was once told I couldn't do it.
I was careful, but one day I let my guard down.
He told me I didn't love him because I had my wall up.
Now I know that's not what love is about anymore!
He took all that I love from me.like a animal in a cage.
Only let me out when he wanted too! and enjoy the things when it was OK by him like a animal in a cage.
One by one ,my things started slipping away..
Even my self was slipping away.
Not just the things I cherish most. one by one going away...
But Trusted friends in my life dissolving away !

The Lady's that came to my aid

Walking in ,not a sound only the sound of my shoes on the wooden floor...
Walking by the man I fear..
But with my head high and no longer can he make me Fear Everything And Run from him.
The Lady's that came to my aid, and touched my shoulder and told me its OK..
 I was able to tell my story of my prince and I.
Feeling and knowing what I have gone threw.
Led me threw the doors to day,with my angels holding me up by there wings.
So I can be a voice for my little prince and I...
My ladies a lot like me ,prepared me for what I needed to face, and I am so grateful to know that I am not Alone no more with this horrible past.
 Now I feel free in letting this pain out that I felt so shameful for ,
 Its OK to share my life so no one would have to feel the pain as my prince and I had.....

LOOKING AT HER YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW!

lQQKING AT HER YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW!

Looking at her you would never know,

So much life and laughter and love how would how would you know ?

Slowly so much life and laughter and love is being taking from her .

Being so brave, and strong girl

She is and holding that puzzle together trying so hard not to let it fall apart.

You would never know that it was being pulled right from her hands and rip right out from under her.

Her silent cries and no one hears her.

No one listens, no one cares.

Is it my fault that I am this little girl,and I couldn't hold this puzzle any more.

I did my best, did I make a mistake not being loud enough.

But why do I have to pay for this?

The little girl is screaming inside pleading for help, and no one hears me or her.

Trapped and no place to go, and I can not protect my little prince no more.

I pray to my God to hear me and help me,to give me strength and courage to find my

chance to flee.

And when I do in the middle of no where, no one hears me ,holding on tight to the gate, fearing for my life.

Not being able to breath or see no more.

Not knowing where I am,

Falling to the ground giving in,

I can not take no more,

My silence just broke me in half,

When someone that I teach my child to trust and Respects takes me away....

My child knowing all what we had pulled out from under us... How can he feel safe comming home to this Man.........

ALMOST BUT DIDNT

Almost but didn't.

In the hospital, feeling the pain.

rush down for more testing.

and with the IV

a warm feeling

going in my body rushing threw my veins.

the feelings of letting everything go.

all my worries, all my pain,

everything in my mind release.

what a feeling,

a feeling of letting go,

and not coming back...

Crashing

and then hearing my name being called...

I don't want to come back!

not to this painful world.....

Oh I wish I can go back to that peaceful world,

Why did you have to wake me up?....

Once Had

8/8/2009 Feelings of today is lost , Empty inside missing the man I once Loved. Where is he? inside his bottle of Bud, drinking his life away. Taking a Pill a day. Forgetting all we ever had. What ever happen? The man that I met had so much strength. And the man I see now, weaken by the pills, and bottle. Destroying his life piece by piece, from each sip of the bottle and each pill he takes into his body . He dissolves slowly to a stranger that i will never know. I choose to never know this stranger of pills, and of a bottle as it only causes pain to the ones you Love. So my feeling of Lost is only gratitude that it is not me today sorrowing in my self pity today!