standing up for myself

yes I felt good tonight standing up for myself and going there and saying this is my home and i want my key and i am going to stay in one of the rooms with my son .... and if that drugy does not like me being there he can take his shit and leave because no one is going to keep me away from my home...I am not afaid no more.. I have no fear today from people like that... I stood right up to them at there level and act no better and not less them and got my way ... and the one guy in my house really was pisted off that he didnt get his way... what do I have to lose anyway ... Im going to die anyway.. when I dont know....I rather not know..I stoped going to the doctors and i feel it was only making me sicker thinking about it like i am now.When the doctor shared with me only frighten me.. So I rather live and have run and Love.I stop thinking of pain... but still feel it and the numbness .I feel my heart at times shutting off at night and i have to take a breath of air like a hipcup and it feels like a pinch in my chest...I hate doctors....

Went to my home where my ex is renting it out as bed rooms rentals.

Went to my home where my ex is renting it out as bed rooms rentals.


and its a five bed room home and only one guy renting in the house. He did not like the idea that I came bye the house asking for the key for the house that was my sons when he was there. My son just moved out ..

well this guy pays 500. hundred for a 3000.sq foot home and does not work. so you tell me whats really going on... well he called my ex and told him that i was there and told him i wanted a key so we went down to Lowe's after a long time of stalling and bugging him ... he also call someone on his phone and the showed up at Lowes they tried running me over with there truck ..they stop suddenly in front of me.. I just didn't care... they look like tweakers and with so skanky looking and with some chic with her right upper arm tattoo with long brown hair and lite eyes hanging on to some toot less schuffy hair guy.. and the driver in the tan bronze pick up truck had sleave tattoos and lite brown hair... his finger prints are on my phone since he was talking to my friend.

I dont trust them ... I dont know who they are but they dont belong in my house.

I dont care what they are doing but they can do it else where.....

its my home.... and I can get renters in the home...

if this is what john is accepting and doing its really scewed up... so you know that someone does not rent a home out for 500 dollars... a 3000.sq foot home...I have a right to it also...

the guy had nerve to tell me he was going to collect rent from me...lol... im intittle to half his rent..and where john is livving he owes me rent...

all I ever here is he wants me to drop the charges and he will help me out because i have nothing... no money and im stuck with no help from no one... he just doing this for me to come back to him and that is why im keeping my order to protec my son and i to keep him away from us...

Im finally happy today with friends and a new relationship, its only dating but the person is very caring and really manly and sweet and rough at the same time... never had that with john he would never be there for me to protec me at all he was a very selfish man...

this guy seems to be very caring but tuff.

Will be going away for the weekend with a large group of friends with him and i know im going to have the time of my life... He new I wanted to go so he change all his plans so he can take me,,,

thought that was sweet..All my girlfriends will be there...

Well this is all for now... I wish my ex just lets me move on with my life and just lets me go...

and understand we can still be friends but he has to get sober and not do drugs cause i dont want to be arounf that crap....

HOLDING ON TO BABY GIRL

HANGING ON TIGHT,
WITH YOUR ARMS WRAP TIGHT.
GOING THREW THE CURVES
AND THE FEELING OF HIM GRABBING ON
AND FEELING AND SQUEEZING YOUR LEFT LEG
MAKING SURE HIS BABY GIRL IS HOLDING ON!

JUST SIGN MY PAPERS AND LET ME GO FREE...!

BEING OUT THERE AND RIDING NOW IS A GREAT FEELING.

GLAD TO BE BACK ON THE BIKE ONCE AGAIN AMONG FRIENDS,
SEEN SOME OLD FRIENDS AND MADE SOME NEW ONES.
IT FEELS SO GOOD BEING ME AGAIN AND NOT LOCKED UP LIKE THE MONSTER WANTED ME.
THE MONSTER INSIST THAT NO ONE BUT HIM WILL EVEN HAVE ME .
BUT HE IS SO WRONG ABOUT THAT.
HE TRIED BEATING ME DOWN TO NOTHING BUT THE WOMAN I WAS IS COMING BACK. EVEN HARDER AND STRONGER AND A BETTER PERSON.
I HAVE BEEN DRINKING ON SOME OCCASIONS AND I KNOW THAT MY BODY CANNOT HANDEL IT, ESPECIALLY THE VODKA I LIKE TO DRINK.
I DRANK SO MUCH THAT THE LAST PLACE I WAS AT THE BOUNCERS HAD TO LIFT ME UP ON TO THE BACK OF THE HARLEY SO WE CAN GET HOME...
I REMEMBER TELLING HIM I COULDN'T TASTE THE VODKA AND SITTING AND WHEN IT WAS TIME TO GO MY LEGS WOULD NOT MOVE ..
I WONT SAY WHO I WAS WITH, BUT WE HAD A GREAT TIME TOGETHER.
 HE TOOK GOOD CARE OF ME FOR THE REST OF THE NITE,
I HAVEN'T HAD FUN LIKE THAT IN A LONG TIME AND IT WENT ON TO THE NEXT DAY....I'M SO GLAD HE IS MY FRIEND AND I HAD A LOT OF FUN.
MY LAST FRIEND I HUNG OUT WITH WAS LOTS OF FUN BUT IT WAS TOO MUCH ABOUT HIMSELF AND IT KINDA GOT OLD TO ME REALLY FAST..
I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT WHEN A MAN THINKS HE KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE THINKING.
IT REALLY REMINDS ME OF WHAT JOHN USED TO DO TO ME SO I JUST FLED THAT SCENE.
YOU JUST DON'T TELL ME WHAT I'M FEELING AND THINK YOU KNOW ME..
I KNOW I CHANGE SINCE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, ESPECIALLY SINCE MY OWN MOTHER BETRAYED ME.
I'M NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS,I USED TO HAVE A WALL UP BUT THIS TIME ITS DIFFERENT TODAY.
I DON'T KNOW IF ITS TRUST ISSUES OR WHAT..IS IT SOMETHING BURNING INSIDE OF ME..
OR IS THIS THE REAL ME JUST COMING OUT.
WITH ALL IVE BEEN THREW I FEEL I HAVE A STEAL DOOR IN MY WAY AT ALL TIMES AND I HAVE TO WATCH WHEN IT OPENS TO SEE WHATS COMING AT ME NEXT.
I GUESS ITS LIKE INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR THE LOIN TO COME AND EAT YOU .
I'M ALREADY LOOKING IN AND READY FOR THE LOIN TO CLOSE HIS MOUTH ON ME.
I STILL FACING THOSE FEARS AND NO WAY GOING TO RUN .
I HERE AND HE CAN COME RIGHT TO ME BECAUSE I'M TRIED OF RUNNING.
I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU NO MORE AND I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.
 I DO KNOW SHE TOLD YOU ABOUT MY BLOG AND YOU ARE READING IT.
LIKE I SAID TO YOU MANY TIMES YOU ARE A VERY MEAN AND ANGRY MAN.
 I DO FORGIVE YOU,
 THIS IS A DRUG ADDICTION THAT YOU ARE FACING AND THIS IS ALL YOU KNOW. THE MAN THAT I HAD MET WAS ONLY SOBER FOR 15 YEARS....
 HE IS INSIDE THERE SOMEWHERE ,MAYBE ONE DAY HE MIGHT COME OUT AGAIN OR MAYBE NOT... BUT LIKE I TOLD YOU MANY TIMES OVER AND OVER ...IT IS OVER WITH US AND I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU JOHN...
YOU WERE A HORRIBLE HUSBAND ANS STEP DAD ... AND LOVER...
 YOU NEEDED TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN LOVE ANYONE ...
SO START THERE...
LET ME GO ,
GIVE ME WHAT BELONGS TO ME!
STOP HOLDING ON...
STOP USING MY COURT ORDER FOR WHY YOU CANT MOVE ON...
JUST SIGN MY PAPERS AND LET ME GO FREE....