The Poison/and Gods friends

The Poison

Slowly day by day I notice a change within me,
couldn't pin point it at first.
I just couldn't understand and I didn't want to believe he would do it!
I still don't want too!
But all the RED FLAGGS were THERE!
In my gut I know its True HE DID IT!
He told me HE WOULD!
I kept going to doctors not knowing what was wrong with me ,
Feeling like I was going to Die at any moment with my limb feeling like the blood rushing down them all the time.
I felt like my arms and legs were going to heat up and fall off.
My headaches were so painful that my head was splitting open.
I remember heaving and gagging over the toilet bowl to the point nothing but blood coming out of my mouth.
The mussel pain that I was feeling in my stomach was nothing I ever felt before.
 It was like My insides dissolving and burning and bleeding.
.I felt so weak at times to feel weak.
I remember standing in the shower and just having the shower water come down on my body was to  painful for me that day and Even to just stand there,,
I remember coughing so hard and not being able to breath gagging for air one night...
 Just praying to god to help me and give me answers to what is wrong with me,
What is going on with my body,,, please God give me a sign!
I was always told to pray...
And I remember with my last breath of air
 I lost conscience and I felt safe for a moment ...
.He made me see things for what they were and begun to open my eyes.
 HE gave me the courage to face my monster..
 IT was only the beginning for me as I have had many challenges with this Monster...
As for this Day before my eye became so true, I saw it with my eyes arsenic poisoning;
How could .and Why? both my son and I?My life will never be the same....
As he is the Devil friend hiding in Gods circle of friends  as for he can easily can fool a lost sheep.
 He will chew them up and spit them out like he has done to my son and I.He is my Monster that Hurt my son and I and He hides with in the circle of Gods friends...

WE WILL RUN..

WE WILL RUN
Christopher death and my birth

My mother lost a child, a boy that is..

I feel she blame all of us because of it.

I came along , but it just wasn't out dear Christopher.

My sister, five year older loved me as to her I was a Doll to her..

But that got old to my sweet sister after time,
Because changing diapers must of stunk for a five year old..
I never remember my mother around, I was always told that she was ill.

when I did see her, she was always in bed.

Laundry piled up... the house a mess...

My dad would come home on weekends and shop ,cook and clean .

I remember neighbors always looking out for us and feeding us.

its not like we were poor..

My father had a very good job ..

No one realize how bad my mother has become.

My mother started to get on her feet.

Got a job for a short time, went to school,started to hang out with some strange friends.

Then she found God...

She believed spare the Rod spoiled the child....

So that's whats I was hit with from age five and up .....Rods, Wirer Hangers .Cords,Wooded Spoons ....you name it We were hit with it....

I was not a Easy child... and if I am anything like my son today... That is why God put him in my life... I understand my son.. I love him...
To get back to where I was.... I really related to the Movie MOMMY DEAREST.....
My mother is a very Beautiful Woman.

still is...

My Father was always working late doing shows, and Broadway plays..

He tried hard keeping the family together and worked with my mothers parents and got her help.

When she got involve with this religion it took over her life...

She walked away from her family .

I was Molested for a 2ND time as a child at a park .

I was almost raped by the son of the Elders of her church.
And My own mother looked at me with disbelief.

When I came out to Vegas had my son, my mother then followed.

Thought I would have a chance of something new ..
She only lived down the road..
For four years never seen her, never heard from her, and when I did that day at the mall,

I walked up to her and she said oh by the way I sold the house and I'm leaving the country to Ecuador.
Didn't hear from her for 2 years...

and when I did....I found Out , the man from her church, the Elder, Joseph Hicks

She put him on her bank account... and he took her for 350,000.
All the money that my farther worked hard to make sure she was set for life to be taken care for was taken in a flash because she trusted this man...
She almost did not make it back from Ecuador as there was no money in her accounts.
Before all this happened, My sister and I told my mother that this man was a Con .

My mother does not listen ,She puts the people in her religion and the people who is studying over her family ..

So this is where I Come in.....

They says we always love our Abusers.... Well My Mother is one of my Abusers ..

No matter what I will always Forgive her, and move on and try hard not to let her hurt my son or I with her words of actions...

She has been in contact with my abuser with bible studies with her friend and its like she does not understand how this effects my child and me.

She stood in court and saw my pain when I had to get my Court order for my child and I.

My mother also heard my child cries when he broke down in her home and wanted to kill himself , and pleaded for this Monster to come and just Kill the both of us and just to get it over with..

I had to put a note on the Door ,because no one was able to knock on the door because my son was so frighten by this Monster, that he would go hide behind the chair.

An other time my child wanted to hang himself with a cord .. I had to wrap him with a blanket as he bit me and punched me till he pasted out and till the ambulance came.

And My mother witness a time with my son jumping out of my truck wanted to end his life of pain ...

How can this Woman sit down with my son"s abuser and mine..knowing all this...

I just don't understand..
Is this her way of abusing me all over again..?
I'm writing this not to hate her as I will always love her as I'm always looking for Love from her that I will never receive from her......
BY my mothers actions, Ive told her that this is digging and poking at old wounds and stabbing at me once again...and pain from my past in haunting me once again...
And I refuse To let this happen to my child, again...

But as long as I know that I was the one that cut the chain of abuse and that I get to show love to my prince , and I do hope he too can love and not hate......

I will Run as far as I can from this Cycle....

Friend and lover

A woman has to make a man feel real good about himself,


So when he walks in the room he feels all eyes are on him when he walks

feeling he walks with pride, because a Woman has his backbone for which he walks

his path.

For when he is down ,she is there for him to raise him Higher as she opens his soul as for she is the only one that can read threw his Eyes.She listens, She Cares, For she is Loyal to this Man.

This woman is his friend, Lover...